| Unhappy Mothers Day To Me |
[10 May 2009|08:42pm] |
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mood |
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 annoyed |
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...so i just got back from the lake-side...where i was supposed to be spending some time with my baby daddy and child...we had agreed to meet there seeing as how i've been with the baby all day alone and he with his family...it was 7pm-ish when we met up...we weren't even going to be staying long anyway...he needed to visit his grandmother before the day was through
i was hungry...having been with the baby all day long and not having any "ready to eat" things around the house...i got some burger king...but we both got to the lake-side nearly the exact same time
because i was hungry, while i ate my meal of apple fries and hamburger (big kids meal) rene and his little brother took the baby around the park...by the time i'd finished my meal the baby's dress had become wet, her sox, and her shoes as well from the water fountains they have set up at the lake-side
before i sat down to my meal, rene asked what he might do with the baby...i suggested the slides seeing as how none of us were beach-ready...he claims to have not heard this and pretty much let the baby go where she wanted to go...mind you its 7pm and the sun is no longer out to air dry her...so its safe to say that i got mad for obvious reason...not to mention that now she's wet and we're at a beach so now she's sandy and wet...so being that i do not want to yell at him in public, or or that matter be angry on mothers day...i took my baby and got the hell out of there
now i'm just an emotional wreck
i don't think its THAT much of a hassle to keep eyes on a baby for the five minutes it took me to eat my dinner...the dog could have done that...i should have eaten my dinner in the car and watched the baby at the same time, then once i was finished, i could have had a nice time at the park with my daughter
i am sorry harumi -_- i know you and erik pretty much are the only people who read my journal and its always depressing and sad...i've pretty much accepted that there's nothing to salvage in my relationship to this guy...however, for adi's sake...i just have to keep trying to make him a better father
on a lighter note..i receive four gold stars for raising a good child...she's already walking, she's working on getting all her teeth in, she's on real people food, and she's starting to talk..all by the age of 1...she's totally ahead of schedule! and today she played the xylophone for me...and drummed on her leapfrog drum...she's so smart and such a good girl ^_^
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| la la la! |
[07 May 2009|04:23pm] |
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mood |
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 chipper |
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i've been spending time away from Rene...and i must say...it doesn't feel bad
i've been taking care of my parents house for a few days now and i've not seen him since then
hmm...feeling ok
adi is as curious as ever in this house...it's very scary i must say because she gets into everything =( she found zabbs knitting needles, she took out EVERY dvd on the rack, she's gotten into the cabinets and into the drawers, into boxes, containers, she's turning on and off the tv, the floor fans, she unplugs things and tries to plug them back in...im surprised she's not learned the knobs -__-
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| ...what to do now... |
[27 Apr 2009|07:30pm] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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music |
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happiness is a warm gun |
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i'm in the makings of working on my relationship. it is the best thing for the baby. i guess i really cannot give up on him. he's my baby's daddy.
i just think the two of us weren't meant for each other and i am sure rene knows it too. its a shame we realize it now that we had a baby. it's hard to do anything together now a days. neither of us is happy which i think attributes to most of the problem. he's busy on the computer playing games and i'm in the kitchen assuming the role of mom weather it be doing the dishes, laundry, cooking, or cleaning. now, i'm not saying that he doesn't help, but it seems he's helping in all the wrong fashion.
he goes to work full time from 2 to 11 (which means he's out of the house by 1 and not home till 12). then on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday he leaves at 9 for his other job at Valencia as a tutor. this means that the baby and i have him from 12 (sometimes as late as 1) till 1 the next day. i don't get up till the baby gets up. the baby gets up with the sun most the time at about 7:30 to 8:30. then he doesn't get up till he's had at least 8 hours of sleep (which can mean almost 10, because when he gets home he wants to play games on the computer again..sometimes till 5 in the morning). in this fashion he helps our family because he is our sole source of income. however, as soon as he's home he insists that its "rene time." which means, his sox don't get into the hamper, his dishes don't find their way to the sink, and he is not responsible for any diaper change.
in the last week or so, this method has changed because we had a very long talk about how he never helps with the baby. he said i don't ask him to help and i say he doesn't want to. but whatever. at least he's helping a little bit which makes it a little bit easier. however, our relationship hasn't gotten any better. the two of us i mean. i'm pretty much sure that it's over between us and we're just showing face to kinda fake it in front of family. it makes it easier to deal with the relatives, but in front of them it's just so fake. he holds my hand and hugs me, but behind closed doors we're hardly even talking.
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| ..now what |
[12 Apr 2009|06:43am] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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i've stopped crying...but i still don't feel any better...i just want it to go away...my heart hurts too much...being a robot must be bliss...
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| what to do when you realize you're all alone |
[12 Apr 2009|06:04am] |
i couldn't stop crying again. instead of trying to talk it out, he goes to the couch to fall asleep. he came home at 5:00 and wondered why i was so sad about it. "after working until 2, i should be able to hang out with my friends"..."i don't do this every weekend"..."maybe you need to go out and leave me here with Adi"
i know he doesn't want to the baby, but he's also not letting me have her by myself.
he's basically said that he's not in love with me. our perceptions of "what love is" are not the same.
they'll probably never be the same.
i don't know what to do anymore. if i drop him, nothing will change and I'll have to share the baby with some joint custody shit when he doesn't give a crap about her.
and maybe it is me. maybe i am the one with the fucked up mind. now that i have a baby, i am not supposed to just stop being me. I am supposed to keep going on like nothing's happened. i should still do things that I've always done i suppose. but what was that in the beginning? i surf the internet because I've never had a life outside of these walls. I've always been here wondering whats out there. the only thing that is out there is hurt or expensive. i can't just keep going out there worrying about whose at home with the baby. weather or not she's being cared for by her father or by her fathers mother. i wish he'd just confess about it already. he needs to come to terms with that himself. maybe i aught to write his mother a letter about it.
perhaps that is what I'll do.
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[02 Jun 2006|09:10pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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i've been free all friday...and i know this sounds really greedy...but i asked people to come over...and...no one did...no one called me back and no one came...and now im alone...i hate being alone...i feel like crap
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| AHH! |
[30 May 2006|10:32pm] |
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mood |
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 lethargic |
] |
X_x...stredom has boruck again....boredom has struck again
indeed!
so here i am...trying my best to be something im not
but...i guess i have to keep it up...cause its just the thing to do
or something like that...i guess
like working at Disney and having to smile to everyone...
even tho they curse at you behind your back..
("why the hell can't my kid ride this?...that bitch!")
when in fact the real bitch...is Disney? -_- who knows
and each time i hang up that phone...it feels like he's further away
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[23 May 2006|02:25pm] |
what to do when you have nothing to do...this is why i watch SpongeBob
-_- n e who
i've been working...and i've been sleeping
thats about as exciting as the summer goes
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| *swooon* |
[15 May 2006|09:40pm] |
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mood |
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 i have an idea |
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yar...he came over last night ^_^ *warm gushy feeling inside* good stuff..lol
gave me too many ideas tho...many many many many ideas! *blush*
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[11 May 2006|11:52am] |
grr...T_T..
i need to get out of my house...im trying to get my licence...and then a car...and then insurance...-_- but lets see how that happends
*sigh*
i need to change my major again to see what i can do...at UF to stay with my Rene
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[03 May 2006|09:50pm] |
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mood |
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extreamly lonely |
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grr -___-
depression has set in...
my summer is turning out to be a lame one...everytime i make a plan...it gets ruined...so...im basically sick of it...so...no more summer for me...i have no clue what the hell im going to do...but whatever it is...i think i should plan to do it alone...cause no one ever wants to do anything...so fuck em
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[06 Apr 2006|06:55pm] |
La la la la laaaaa......uhm..yes...ok
I got Harvest Moon: Another Wonderful Life..^_^ its soo cute....T_T but i prefer A Wonder Life more...you dont have to buy so much fertilizer in that one!!!...in this one you spend most your money on fertilizer!....jeeze!
i need a new game again tho...lol...i JUST got that one too! lol ^_^
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[23 Mar 2006|12:28am] |
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mood |
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groggy |
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grr...how'd you feel?
sooooo booooored...and doing projects i really dont wanna do...its not fun..and its bullshit...serious...school is getting to the point of no return for the shit-dom...i dunno...maybe its me...why the hell would you do a project in mathclass?!?! come on people!...the only thing math has to do with real life is addition and subtraction..that is unless you are planning on being an architect..or like a chemist or something!...how the hell are you suppose to apply calculus to your present day life?!? HOW! i ask you...H..O..W!!!!
n e who..uhm...drink the blood...drink the blood..something something...yada yada..period...yeah...doody
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| heee |
[21 Mar 2006|10:48pm] |
went to Megacon...got a Sugar Snow Fairy DVD...it was mad awesome...im SOOO sugar ^_^!
went to chicago...got a beltbuckle that has a lighter on it...it is awesome...now if only i could get some lighter fluid....-__-
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[20 Feb 2006|03:28pm] |
im reminding myself to go back here later today...
http://sugar.pioneeranimation.com/
i want to make a little Pepper outfit!!! ^_^....and a little Salt one too...-__- i haven't even seen the anime, but i still want em! T_T
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[04 Feb 2006|11:23pm] |
Cause 'he' wanted one....*grr*...i love you sweetie! ^_^
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[12 Jan 2006|11:28pm] |
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mood |
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 ehhh... |
] |
well...i's might as well post SOMETHING...cause hey..im on...uhm...school's going...i need to get my textbooks...as its seeming that i NEED them for all of my courses...and...uhm...one of my classes i can't even do things for cause i can't pass the first "introductory" test...you have to pass with 100%...and im getting a 95...so i can't even do anything else in the class...its bullshyt...but w/e...hmm..what else...im going to Disney tomorrow...uhm...i need to spend more money on my books...uhm...im running out of things to talk about now
ok...later
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| something arises... |
[11 Jan 2006|06:03pm] |
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mood |
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de...somethinged |
] |
to feel...to believe...to think...and to have thought
what you may have believed once to be true...was truely false
what was once false...is now true...something arises...
and i asked myself why it was i looked the way i do...stress
im told stress can do a number on a person without that person's consent
causing all kinds of disease and illnesses...but why?...something arises...
why is that some get stressed...and others seem to brush it right off
but then again...those who brush it off will have it retalliate another way
then why is it that some are more affected than others?
how can we hope to become the less affected?
how can we de-stress?...something arises
where some people take up a new habbit - smoking, drinking, self mutilation
others simply swallow it - depression, obesity, colds, cramps
why is it that every time my fingers touch the keyboard something arises...
a hurting...a pain...anxiety...depression...and anger
and it wont go away till i walk away from the board
so...why come back to the board?
technology is the only way i can communicate correctly
so why does it hurt me so?
i can't write...but i can type...and yet...i hate to do it
cause everytime im here...something arises...
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[10 Jan 2006|10:54pm] |
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uh...well..its come to my attention...that i have a feeling of being stabbed in the heart...it kinda hurts...so...i'll just...breath it out...and stop reading friend journals...cause they suck anyway
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